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Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

My out of control anxiety

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Today I had a dreaded work call planned. About two weeks ago,  major issues came up on a project I was managing and this morning we had a conference call with our client and the vendor who executed the project to discuss the mishap. I was up all night stressing about the call and imagining the worst – as in me packing up my boxes and heading out.  So I treated breakfast like it was my last meal, emotional eating anyone?

That meant a bowl of my favorite comfort food, heavy on the chocolate.

That’s right a bowl of chocolate cheerios. When some people think comfort food, they probably picture pancakes, french toast, or a donut. Not me. Nothing says comfort like cheerios. Cheerios were (and are still) a staple in my house growing up. The chocolate flavor is new, but amazingly delicious. If you haven’t tried them yet I highly recommend you pick up a box. ASAP.

Other favorites in the mix was plain greek yogurt (the creaminess is comforting), some crunchy Kashi and plenty of fruit.

So back to the call. The outcome I worked out in my mind was very realistic, but in reality most people would not have jumped to the conclusion that I did. This isn’t the first time either. There have been a few occasions over the past year when I’ve emailed or called Jeff to tell him that I thought I’d be let go. And Jeff tells me the same thing everytime – you’re letting your anxiety get the best of you.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember and only recently have I been able to get in (somewhat) under control. Still when it comes to work and not doing things perfectly, I freak out. No matter how hard I try, I can accept anything less then perfection at my job. And when something doesn’t go as planned, I lose it. This makes me wonder whether working in an environment that stresses perfection is the best place for me. I end up beating myself up over minor imperfections that in the grand scheme of things don’t really matter. I leave unhappy with myself, my work and my abilities.

I know I should talk to someone about my anxiety, but I haven’t been motivated to make that appointment. I keep thinking that if I could just do things better, be more perfect, than I wouldn’t have this anxiety. But I know that won’t ever be the case. In fact, I think I would just focus my anxiety on another part of my life. Even though I consider myself in recovery from my eating disorder, I’m not 100% confident that it won’t come back. And if my anxiety continues the way it has been, I’m afraid I might set off some triggers. So I guess I’ll be making a call to the doctor.

To be continued…

Do you have anxiety? If so do you have any tips for how to get it under control?